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Faded Memories

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Break free.. [Monday the 27
I don't want to wash away any piece of you, throw out and small mark you left in my little world. You are everywhere in a house you've never set foot in... shotgun was always yours. Everything reminds me of you, nothing is safe from your lingering touch.

The pain in my chest feels like death, feels like dying, feels full of you. I loved every piece of you, the good, the bad, and the ugly. I never had the best of you but I took what you could give me and ran with it. Ran straight into your arms, the arms of a boy incapable of loving. I held onto that chance, that small piece of hope that you instilled deep in my heart. I thought not of the consequences and the pain that I was so sure you would cause me, I thought only of the moments you made me smile.

spank me

[Saturday the 26
About that situation that I didn't think could possibly get anymore confusing. Well... it did. The only option I had was a new chart, so here goes:

I suppose I should also update the flow chart of what happens when I crave change. I'd say it's gotten a bit more uhm, drastic if you will.

Wow, when I see it like that... it looks like i've either gone bat shit crazy or found myself. I'm shocked that i've managed to keep my job as a receptionist in a doctor's office through all of this. I think i've got to quiet myself down a little bit before I actually get fired. I also got my ear pierced when I got my side piece done. I've gauged it down to a 12 so far. I'm getting the other ear done sometime next week and I plan on gauging them both down to a 2, maybe a 0 depending on how well they take it. I do have more ink planned for the near future, but i'll leave that a surprise.

I took myself off all my meds about four weeks ago, it was the best decision I have ever made. The whole cold turkey thing was hell, the withdrawal was unbearable and I'm still having some effects of it.

Other than that.. I learned the difference between being with someone and fucking someone... those that you fuck don't take care of you when you are sick. That was a shitty realization, but a necessary one. I'm sensing a change coming.. a real one this time, not just an external one.

spank me

[Thursday the 25
The pain of the flesh doesn't compare with the pain of the soul.

spank me

Just a place to store my faves [Sunday the 24
re: www.pleasefindthis.blogspot.com

I pray you're ok. That it's ok. I pray all the parts of you that I remember are still there. I pray that you're happy. Even if it's not with me.

Wish you were here. Wish I was there. Wish it was different. Wish wishes came true.
I'd wish you back.

There are a million ways to bleed. But you are by far my favourite.

I never stopped loving you. Because I never stopped breathing.

I like to think that somewhere out there, on a planet exactly like ours, two people exactly like you and me made totally different choices and that, somewhere, we're still together.
That's enough for me.

I am far more delicate than you can possibly imagine. You need to move slowly.

I would find you down the line with broken wings, pick you up, and swear that you would taste the sky again.

If anyone's going to break this heart, I think it should be you.

You don't get to pull these stitches out. No matter how much I still love you.

You get to choose the people you like. Not the people you love.

Somewhere, someone knows the words to the songs you sing.

Only the love you gave, the souls you touched and the people you changed, will remain.
They will carry on for you. They will pick up where you left off.

Bad things happen. Trust that good things happen, too.
Sometimes you've just got to close your eyes, hold on tight and believe.

When love begins, it's easy for you to make something out of nothing.
When it ends, it's much harder to turn that something back into nothing.

spank me

[Wednesday the 6
I feel like the "other woman". I don't really like it. But it's better then nothing right?

I'm having one of those days where things are starting to seem pretty hopeless.
Money can't buy happiness, and I'm beginning to forget what it feels like to be happy.

When does the pain go away? When do the knives fall out and the gashes get stitched up? When do I stop feeling so empty inside?

When do I start to taste the things I eat? When do I feel like i'm truly alive again?

My heart may not be beating as strongly as it has before.. but it's still beating, i'm still living. That's what matters, right?

..I didn't know it was possible to love so deeply. Or to hurt so much for so long.

spank me

Ripping out the stitches. [Thursday the 3
"I'd give them anything, well, anything except for you. You're the only thing that I don't wanna lose, that I couldn't imagine being happy with losing."
"We just fit. There is no other way to explain it."
"I'm so glad that I have someone like you in my life. We understand each other. That's the best thing that I could ever ask for."
"I feel honored to be with you. You're the first person that I've dated that everyone who I want to approve, does."
"I feel happy with you. I feel all those warm and fuzzies that love songs and novels talk about. Everyone here at Towson sees you for who you are, for the genuine, nice person that I have frown to love these past 2 months."
"You don't try to change me, and I genuinely believe that we help each other, and bring out the best in each other."
"Even though I have seemed high strung these last few days, I don't doubt a minute the feelings I have for you. And you are the first person I can trust that says 'I love you' and I feel in my heart that you mean it."
"Just looking over at you when I study, or a hug, a kiss, a cuddle, soothes me. Even if only a minute, it helps me realize that I can be truly happy with someone."
"You really do care, and you really are there for me. No false or empty promises, no bullshit."
"I feel like I've known you forever, yet every minute I spend with you is new, exciting, fulfilling."
"Our bodies match perfectly when we cuddle. Our kisses are magical."
"I can't help but smile when I walk into a room and see you. When our eyes meet. Your overall presence makes me grateful, to be alive, to be with you."
"Even our hugs have o much meaning behind them. Our kisses erupt with fireworks. Just touching you makes me heart beat faster, makes me mood warmer. I've never found someone more perfect."
"I've never felt like this before, about anyone. I truly believe that all of this happened for a reason and something big will come out of it."
"I love you, Kathryn Klein. You fit in all the pieces I'm missing. You truly do complete me. I wouldn't have it any other way."

spank me

The shakes. [Monday the 30
I can't sleep, and yet I can't concentrate on the 1.5 months of math homework that I need to get done. Now I'm freaking out about colleges. Wasn't that supposed to end after senior year of high school? I mean.. I thought it was.

Basically.. spring semester will be my last semester at NOVA and I will be done with my associates degree. Today I wrote my letter to GMU asking them to reconsider my expulsion. There is a good chance that they will (says my mom), the old me would be like okay cool and not worry about it. The new me is of course thinking for the worst. My mom wants me to apply to Mary Washington. It's in Fredericksburg meaning about an hour and a half away. Not bad. Farther then I would like, and honestly.. I don't know many if any people that go there which is scary in itself. So I decided to look up their LGBT student activities stuff. First of all.. took forever to find, and secondly, hardly exists if at all. GMU's seems pretty legit, as in they have someone on their staff that they pay to run their LGBT program, not a volunteer or a staff sponsor like at Mary Washington. GMU also have legitimate LGBT events, Mary Washington has one event and it's about the meaning of LGBTTQQIAAP.. which I found out stands for: Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgendered Transsexual Queer Questioning Intersex Asexual Ally and Polyamorous.

While reading up on GMU's LGBT programs I came across their past events which held a striking resemblance to Towson's (which is a good thing.. Towson has an incredible LGBT program). Then I read about their shitty attempt at a Rainbow Lounge. Then I burst into tears. Not exactly sure how this was a logical progression.. but that's how it went down. Leaving me freaking out and getting nothing accomplished at 3:33 in the morning. Looks like my current college applications are going to.. GMU, Mary Washington, and Towson. In an ideal world things would be different and the decision would be more complicated, sounds strange.. I know. I don't want to end up hate crimed.

In other news.. Breezie is moving back in a week or two. Yeah. The bitch from Arizona who tricked me into loving her for no reason.. that one.

spank me

To love is to risk being completely cut open. [Monday the 23
I get all the thoughts in my head and then I sit down to write them and they can no longer be formed into words and sentences, only feelings and emotions.

You were the only person who has seen me as more then someone to fuck. You were the only person who took the time to get to know me, the real me. Every dark secret and hidden thought that I tucked away for safe keeping.. you took the time to dig them up.

You were the only person who I have ever felt entirely safe with, who I never had to hide parts of me from. The only person that I can sleep next to, the only person who thinks my flaws and quirks are cute and endearing. The only person who truly understood me.

The only person that my subconscious trusted and felt safe with. A few people have been able to trick me into trusting them in my past.. but never my subconscious. It's kind of like a dog or a child, they always know the good from the bad.

When we were together I was never really afraid of us breaking up, I guess in my heart / head I didn't even think it was a possibility. I remember one day I tried to think how it would feel if you broke up with me. I convinced myself that I was safe and I had the upper hand because I couldn't picture myself being upset if you broke things off. Boy was I wrong.

I look at the relationships my friends are in, listen to how they really are. I can't help but be thankful that we didn't fight like they did. That we never went to sleep angry at each other. What we had was real. What we had was amazing. Parts of me think that what we had was once in a lifetime. After all, is it possible to find a connection like that twice? Is it possible to connect on that level with more then one person? ...is it possible that this hurting will ever stop?

I feel like I don't make any sense anymore, like life doesn't make any sense anymore. I don't know where I'm going with any of this, I don't know much of anything anymore. This is probably an all over the place type of entry, but it's my attempt at getting it out.

spank me

[Wednesday the 18
"When hurt turns red and a piece of your heart is missing. When the cold bites deep and you’ve got that feeling like you just got out of surgery. When the only way to stay sane is to concentrate on anything else but how you feel. When you count the tiles in the ceiling. When you push the earphones closer. When the first day of winter arrives. When you remember every nuance of every word of every time. When all this happens.

Embrace it. Feel every feeling. Cry every tear. Sob every sob. Because this is what it feels like to have loved."

Giving up on you feels like giving up on myself. It feels like giving up on everything that I have been taught to believe in. It feels like giving up on my past, my present, and my future all at once.

Our love was me finally letting go of my past, our love was me learning to love myself.

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An example of WHY I dislike men. [Wednesday the 5
So, as a straight looking lesbian I decided to join a dating site.. no big right? I'm used to being hit on by men and I usually ignore them, but when they are persistent and catch me at a bad time or try to tell me that I like men.. I will take out some pent up frustration on them. Never have I seen a conversation turn so ugly after one not so mean reply. This is how this chat went (color coded for your reading pleasure):

Asshole: hey babe u ever thought about liking men again?
*I ignored him*
Asshole: ur beautiful.
*still ignored him*
Asshole: hottie.
*no more ignoring*
Me: you are fucking rude.
Asshole: lol actuley im not....bitch....i have a masters and have about 1000 friends
Asshole: a job payin over 90000 a year
Asshole: a degree
Asshole: at such a young age
Asshole: ur just a BITCH GAY FUCK
Me: And this is supposed to impress me?
Asshole: stupid broad
Asshole: go lick a clit
Asshole: lol
Asshole: you fucking gay bitch
Asshole: how much does ur daddy make?
Asshole: not as much as me sissy
(naturally this is the time to lie)
Me: Three times what you do.
Asshole: fuck outa here
Asshole: wharts he do?
(and say he is a lawyer..)
Me: He is a lawyer.
Asshole: it doesnt matter he probably hate his lil princess
Asshole: SHES GAY
Asshole: lol u like pussy
Asshole: so do i
Asshole: hahahhaha
Asshole: kat faggot
(He then proceeds to look at my photos, again.. no longer thinking I am a "hottie" I suppose)
Asshole: omg ur ugly
Asshole: ur black friend looks better than you
Asshole: where ur tits?
Asshole: and UR FAT
Asshole: CHUBBY
Asshole: sorry ur CHUBBY
(naturally this is a good time to lie about my weight)
Me: I weigh 97 pounds, I am far from fat.
Me: Get a life.
Asshole: ur black gay friend....LOL he looks better than you
Asshole: ugly braod
Asshole: no teeth
(apparently I have no teeth because I don't smile with teeth in my pictures)
Asshole: hahahhaha
Asshole: hiding in ur pics
Asshole: ugly ass

He is a 23 year old male living in Fairfax.
And looks like this:

Should you see this pretentious asshole wandering the streets, please kick him in the nuts and tell him it's from "Kit Kat"

Damn I hate men.

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Pitbull puppy and laptop will be my only friends. [Tuesday the 19
I have developed a new kind of dislike for people. New plan is get myself the puppy I've been wanting and become a hermit.

Last entry was March 24th. And was head over heels for that bitch. Honestly.. when she left and I started to piece things together I couldn't even cry over her. All I could do was give her serious props for playing me as well as she did. I didn't think it was possible to do it like that. I still don't know why she did, it wasn't necessary to get what she wanted. She played me, she played my friends, and she played my family. I wasn't into her when I met her, but I decided to give her a chance. Roses really are the way to a girl's heart.

Why is it that I am fucked over by every girl I get involved with? Hell... every guy I was involved with too.

Oh yeah, and I totaled my car, got 2 tickets, and 6 stitches in my lip. That was fun. Not. So if I get another car I will have to pay $4500 / year just for liability insurance. That is how terrible my driving record is. I also don't have the money to buy a car so it's going to be good old public transportation monday through friday until I save up the money for a scooter. Then I can take girls out on the back of my scooter when we go on dates.. that's cute, maybe not.

In other news, Yani showed me the BEST website ever. www.whythefuckdoyouhavekids.com It's hilarious, check it out!

spank me

So far fallen... [Tuesday the 24
[ mood | hopeful ]

She asked me, "Are you falling in love with me?" and without a moments hesitation I said yes. She wasn't supposed to meet someone here. But she did. She is the only thing I can concentrate on and she is an amazing girl. She treats me wonderfully. She makes me laugh, she makes me smile, she makes me comfortable. And for some unknown reason I am completely unable to lie to her, since the day I met her. And she asks all the questions no one would think to ask. When she smiles my heart smiles.

Hopefully in three months I will be living in Arizona. She is moving back there next week, unfortunately I have that thing called school, then my sister's graduation. I want to be her housewife, her homemaker, her girl. I have known her for about a month. Call me crazy or call it fate. I want to wake up next to her every morning and fall asleep with her every night.

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Cait. [Sunday the 8
I met the most wonderful girl. Perhaps the girl that will change everything. I am so terrified of screwing it up, of screwing up what is potentially the greatest thing that could ever happen to me. I trust her. I trust her completely. It's perhaps myself that I don't trust, which is a scary thought in itself. I still think about Polina all the time. This is what scares me. I don't want to think about her, I don't want to care about her, and I sure as hell don't want to have feelings for her. But for one reason or another she has buried herself so deep within me that it is becoming impossible to make her go away. That girl changed my life, no doubt about it. She also mindfucked me to the point where I didn't even know the difference between the dreamt up world in my head, and the reality I was living in. Up until the last time I saw her she toyed with my mind and my heart, and I honestly believed she loved every minute of it. I haven't seen her in about a month, yet I still find myself crying over her from time to time. No matter how much I try to stop caring.. it just doesn't happen. I should hate that girl, I should absolutely despise her, yet I can't bring myself to do it. It's just not in my nature.

Either way... her name is Cait. She lives in Baltimore. She is a 8404 Marine Corpsman and is my dream girl in every way. She is in the reserves and will be deployed to Iraq at some point. This scares the fuck out of me. I don't want to lose her, in any sense of the word.

She came down yesterday. I'm going to see her either tomorrow or monday. I miss her like crazy!!! It's a nice feeling to miss someone and be missed in return. She also has amazing eye lashes =]

spank me

RIP Yaya and Little K [Thursday the 15
I don't know if I was more lost with her or without her. I still refer to her as my best friend. She is still number one on my top friends. But she isn't in my life. But then again, when we were "friends" how much was she really in my life? So many things that I never told her. So many names I never mentioned. I don't know why, but I never really confided much in her when it came to my scandals. It just wasn't spoken about. Perhaps I tried to preserve my innocence through her eyes. I'm sure s he saw right through it though. I'm not sure which I really miss more, her.. or the idea of her, the idea of a true best friend. I would still take a bullet for her no questions asked. The way I see it.. she replaced me a long time ago. It hurts now just as much as it did then.

Rest in peace 10 years of friendship. 10 years of growing up. 10 years of life lessons. 10 years of trials and tribulations. 10 years of memories. Good-bye to the person I swore I could never live without. Good-bye to the person I have called my best friend for more then half of my life.

Good-bye. And I'm sorry. More sorry then I am able to put into words.

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Loving might be a mistake but it's worth making [Saturday the 27
[ mood | lonely ]

It's strange when someone goes from being the center of everything that is you to being just a memory. That picture I mentioned like 5 entries back haha, well, here it is:

We both look like idiots. It was new years. It makes me sad that this is the only picture of us. Then I realize that there are close to no pictures of me with the people that I have loved or come close to loving. Me and Joe, not a single picture in existence as far as I am aware. Me and the certain person that I can never actually say I love but do more then anything in the world... there are 4 pictures of the two of us. There are pictures that have both of us in them.. but I don't really count those. And then there is Steven, only this one. It's not that I never spent time with these people. I saw Steven basically everyday for over 2 months. And before that all the time for 2 more months. And the other person.. I saw him basically everyday over the summer.

On another note, Michael stopped talking to me, again. Don't know why. We didn't accomplish much on our to-do list. Never made it to the strip club. We did however accomplish the "roll face and go to the club" task. On Heather's birthday, with Carmon and Emily.

yup, that we did haha.

I miss him. I miss him a lot.

spank me

[Wednesday the 16
I am really glad that I am as mature as I am, and sometimes it takes the stupidity and immaturity of others to make me realize that.
Grow up girl, I did. You think you won but you lost a long long time ago.

spank me

[Monday the 28
I don't even know what to say. Where to begin. I have never seen someone go from so healthy to so dead. Everyone who has become cracked out on heroine and crack had been left in my past. I never saw what they had become. Seeing him just now KILLED me. I had bite my lip to stop from crying in front of him. Going back and reading all the saved IM's I have... he used to make me so happy. I used to find him so attractive. I had sex with him.. that's what I can't stop thinking. Now look at him. He looks like he is dying. He is wasted away. So skinny, all bones. Scars up and down his arms.. it breaks my heart, it truly does. Who knows if he was telling the truth or lying about his mother. To a certain extent once a drug addict always a drug addict. He needs an angel.. a something, something to save him from himself. I can only pray that he finds it.

spank me

[Sunday the 27
All I want is to be able to experience true love before I die, that is all I ask for.

As long as I know it is waiting for me somewhere, I can make it until the next day. I only pray it finds me soon.

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[Wednesday the 2
Maybe if I had someone who loved me my whole situation wouldn't be so bad. At least then I would have someone to live for.

spank me

[Wednesday the 26
There is only like a month and a half left of school. Holy crap. This will be my first full semester of college, how thrilling.

The complete immaturity of some people will never cease to amaze me. It kind of makes me laugh. They all sit in their super cool house and talk shit about me. Then they all make efforts to hang out with me. Then they all try to get with me, and all get turned down. Then they go bitch about how easy I am and how badly I wanted them. Then the cycle starts over.

So on Saturday night my sister let me "borrow" the car, I was going to go to a party up at Mason, then I had possibly the worst idea I have ever had. I decided to drive to Richmond. I left at 2:45 in the morning and made decent time to Richmond, finding Midlothian on the other hand.. not so easy. Finally found Steven at like.. 4:45. I had to have the car back by 9:30 so my sister could get breakfast with Kiran or something. I left around 8:00. And fell asleep like 25 times driving back and almost got in a million accidents and had to pull off the road and take a nap many many many times. Stole my credit card back from my parents house and charged $150 on a hotel room I spent 3 hours in with Steven and 3 random guys I had never met before. Bought gas twice.

the saddest thing.. it was so worth it.

Oh yeah, and I didn't make it back til like noon when I pulled into the driveway and passed out in the car for a couple hours.

other then that.. blah.

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